She used to be sweet as violets now she’s jut the fat girl that you cant wait to get rid of. So the question is, “how?” You know if you shoot her there would be ‘stuff’ everywhere and after watching over three hundred hours of COPS you know all about good ‘stuff.’
You just need for her to disappear and not come back and that is when it comes to, you’ll take her fishing. She likes to fish and she wont think nothing of you coming home with a bucket of stink bait, and wanting to go-a-fish’n. You tell everyone that she left a note saying she was going to see her sister and no one will know the difference. What you need to know is how to sink her and keep her down until nature does it work.
To keep a body down depends upon a number of factors beginning with but not limited to water temperature. Is the water moving such as a river or stream? Is the water still such as would be found in a pond or lake? Is it shallow like in a slue or slow moving like a stream? Is the water warm or cold? Is the water fresh or saline? Water that is warm enough will cause a body to decompose and float. Cold water will actually prevent decomposition and keeps the body from floating.
How to get her in the water. You hit her on the head and dump her over board. No! If you do that that there will be a big bump on her head, remember episode number —- ah —- something or other where the CSI determined that the guy was killed and thrown in the lake. Hell, she can’t swim so why not just throw her out of the boat into the water. You row off and she thrashes around like a wounded whale and then sinks once she takes in a good lung full of water. She will begin to rot away at the moment of death. The decay of the flesh will generate gases that will cause her body to float. Seeing how a body is normally heavier than water she should get a good lung full of swamp water and sink like a rock. Even if she does sink after a few days in the warm water the decomposition will generate enough gas to float her to the top. You’ll have to come back down to the swamp and find her floating corpse and shoot her with your twenty-two rifle a few times and she might just up and explode like a bloated cow when stuck with a sharp stick and sink.
Then again, maybe when she comes to the surface the birds, some bugs, snapping turtles an alligator are some other scavengers will be’ah eat’en on her. Once them critters chew a hole in her it will cause the bloating body to lose the gases that are building up and she will fall apart and sink to the bottom.
You can see her now floating in the lagoon like a grazing Manatee, head, arms and legs all dangling down beneath her. Then it is off to the Piggin Wiggin’out Combination Convenience Store Rib Joint and Asian Fingernail Parlor, where that hot dish-water bleached blond, named Valerie, works.
Now for the Disclaimer – This blog does not suggest that anyone should do anything that would be considered illegal. This is a blog for writers to use for research, and as comical relief of a very serious problem. If you do not understand this fully, or you think this give you the rights to commit an illegal act, you’re one sick bastard, and you should seek competent mental counseling immediately.
All rights reserved (c) 2015 by Newt Livesay
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